Acceptance Versus Challenge

Since I realized there was another blog in our conversation the other day, I decided to write it immediately.  Keeping up with this blog writing is not as easy as I thought as I have demonstrated with my sporadic writing lately.  But I blog when I find something worth repeating and not so much lately, but yesterday …

We were discussing the idea of Acceptance, my husband David and my friend Rita and I.  It is the “big one” for me, the whole acceptance idea. We were talking about it because I am becoming more and more aware of practicing acceptance in a real way and not just being in the philosophy of the idea.  My being a Capricorn, I want to “walk” not just “talk” the idea. So, my question to my friends was this: “If I am practicing acceptance, am I then cheating my friends by not challenging their thinking or their actions when I see weakness or unconsciousness in their actions or speech? Am I supposed to “accept” all their actions and words?”


Our conclusion was “YES” affirmatively and certainly we are supposed to accept all their actions and words; but we did not come to this easily.  My being that I am, facilitator and teacher, it has become my job to view, become aware and share what I see. The key word in that sentence is my job; meaning, that someone has asked me to do it! However, those skills that I have developed in my work, follow me everywhere and hence I am “on the look out” all the time. My friends know that I see things but also know I will not say until I am asked – at least that is my rule. However, being the human being that I am, I do not keep that rule and as we discussed this yesterday, I realized how often I do not keep my own rule.

A truly simple example we used to get to this point was this: Recently, David’s Mom, who is 85 years old, began going down hill because of her lack of movement. She was not going for walks and so began to loose her ability to walk well. We then stepped in, and spoke to her about this often and now she is walking and doing so much better in all ways.

OK, I have set the scene.  Now, what if we did not speak to her. The question is did we “interfere” with her experience and hence, her journey.  We felt that we were right because if she lost her ability to walk, she would have to move to another home and ….. All the ramifications of that. BUT, what if she was supposed to move to another home? What if she was supposed to become immobile because that was the experience that she was creating? Who are we to say that immobility was less of an experience that mobility?!? See where we are going.

I then take this idea into all my relationships. If I see an unconscious action or an action that “I” decide is coming from an issue, am I to just accept and say nothing?  I felt like I was “cheating” my friends and family, by accepting and saying nothing. 

Using the example of giving and receiving. In our Somerville family, it is the practice not just to say thank you for a kindness but, to somehow “find” a way to pay back that kindness: pay for the gas in the neighbor’s truck, give the neighbor a piece of the pie we borrowed the sugar for, etc. I see that as an action of not being able to receive and have said so often to my husband and his mother.  The question now becomes, am I to stay silent and accept OR can I say something and bring their attention to that fact?

I have always said something. I felt it was being a good friend. But now, as I move into acceptance more and more, I have to question that action. What if that level of receiving is their best level of receiving – which it must be, because that is how they receive. Their actions are saying that this is what I have to do in order to receive your kindness; I have to return it immediately.  By saying something about that, I am making their present moment actions wrong and “correcting” them. 

I thought that was being a good friend. Now I think that is arrogance and if I am to practice acceptance, then …. Silence and accept are the actions of choice.

Not an easy one. We discussed this at length for awhile yesterday over breakfast.  But I have come to the conclusion that the practice of acceptance is silence because each of us comes to our own ideas through our own actions.  There is a saying I heard once, that I apply when I am teaching. It goes something like this: “tell me and I will forget; show me and I am more likely to remember; let me experience and I will never forget.”

I use that idea a lot when I teach and truly believe that experience is the best teacher sooo, is not experience the best teacher in all ways, including my family and friends experiencing their lacks and issues in their own actions without my making them wrong by pointing it out.  And, as I spoke in the last blog, if I am not using the word “YOU” then how can I speak about their lack without using the “YOU” word. 

And so, I have concluded that the practice of acceptance in my daily life means that there are fewer and fewer actions I am to take when it comes to other people.  I have to say, even just a day later, I am feeling so much less pressure on myself.  I am not “looking out for everyone” now and so can enjoy my conversations without being in “teacher” mode all the time.  My life of being human is simpler and softer, easier and more relaxed and “I” am more challenged to accept what is in my world around me and watch it grow, instead of trying to make it change. 

Hmmm! Soft, relaxed and easier, that sounds like the prescription I need.  My view from here, once again different.  Wow! It is simple, but not always easy.