And then later ...

Later … June 1st

I continue to write today. Since the words are here, I will continue.  This time I do want to share an insight I found in myself a few days ago. As I explained in the previous blog – please read it first as this one will not make as much sense if you have not read the Blog from June 1st.

In the place of distance and lack of necessity, I find myself making mistakes and laughing at them.  The me that I used to being does not forget things, does not make mistakes. I know how arrogant that sounds, but truly I am  - have been – that “A” type personality that is always on top of everything. Of course, I make mistakes but these mistakes I am making now, are different. Let me explain.

I set up a classroom for intuition, a date that I set, and then “I” forgot about it! For the first time in 10 years, I forgot a class. A mistake. But what was so very, very interesting is that when I got the phone message asking where I was, I was completely astonished. There was no trace of that class idea in my brain anywhere. My first reaction was that they were wrong. But, then a dawning came and I remembered and … here is the miracle … I laughed.

Now, I mean no disrespect in sharing this. It was a miracle because I did not beat myself up.
I instantly accepted that this was what I had done. I instantly accepted that I had made a mistake and I was truly fine with it. So fine, in fact, that my dear, sweet husband looked at me in utter amazement and congratulated me; questioned me to be sure I was for real, but then congratulated me!

So, the first solid result of all this “suffering” and detached distance, is that I feel like I am more human. How odd is that? I feel more human and truly more acceptant of that humanness. Another pressure has lifted. The pressure of perfection has fallen away and I am feeling space in my body, like I can stretch in new directions and I have the space to do so. 

But further to that. About an hour after I realized the mistake, I am sitting watching the ball game and I become aware of another development.  As I was sitting with the astonished acceptance that I had forgotten a class, I then realized I had now to forgive myself for doing it.

What was so astonishing was that in my acceptance of having done it, I did not automatically forgive myself for it.  The forgiveness, for me, was another step.  How can I explain this?

I was not “stewing” over what I had done. I did not regret it, or feel guility about it. No, this was entirely different for me. This felt like another layer of acceptance. My mind was aware that I had made a mistake and the forgiveness came when I then realized that I was now going to continue to make mistakes. 

The arrogance of it was astonishing to me. I was thinking as if this was my first mistake, which I can assure you it was not! But, what was going on in my head was that now that mistakes were so acceptable, I would be allowing more of them. … And my mind, my ego?, whatever it was … I found that the feeling of forgiveness started to emerge from within me and that action is the action that would allow further mistakes to be made, that action was allowing the perfectionist to fade into the background.

I am not sure I am explaining this well – remember I have already said in my last blog that words to these experiences are inadequate. But, truly I realized that the process of feeling acceptance and the process of feeling forgiveness were two very separate feelings for me.

I can explain it using another analogy. For me, the feeling of “leaving” and the feeling of “going” are two very different feelings and yet they result from one action. I mean that if I am moving from one home to another. I very much do not like the action of “leaving” the old home – for me it is sorrowful. But, that same action also takes me to “going” to the new home and that is exciting, and adventurous.  But, I must “Leave” in order to “Go”. You see what I mean, one action – two emotions.

The same was true for me here – acceptance and forgiveness came from the one action but were two very different feelings going through me. Why I share this? That is the question. As I have already said in June 1st blog, the necessity of sharing is so much less that even writing this feel egoic and useless. But written it is. Offered for you to consider and use, if it is usable for you.

I also want to add this little ditty that came to me recently: 
The Ego loves to share, in order to compare.
So, as you use any of this, or other material that you read or are taught, be aware that you ego wants to compare itself to what it has found and when it compares, the ego is in judgement and that, I have found my friends, is a sign that the ego is in the driver’s seat.

For me, the ego in my driver’s seat is a dangerous thing, it leads me astray and into over reaction.  As uncomfortable as this empty, distance place is that I am now in, it is still better than when my ego is in my driver’s seat. Awareness, Awakened, call it what you will but the view from here, through the suffering, is clear, and clean! As much suffering as I am feeling, I am continuing with it as I like my ego in my backseat! The view from the front seat is so much better – oops I compared didn’t it! Share a smile with me!