And now what ...

It has been a while since I have written anything for the blog, as you can see. Life has been unfolding at a break neck pace. As I have been talking about over these blogs, I have been working with various teachings and energies, all in the effort to “awaken” and release “ego”. Well, let me say that the process of letting go of the ego and of becoming more awakened has been a very uncomfortable one.

I have not been writing because I have been in so much experience that I have been overwhelmed. I am not speaking about an overwhelmed that comes with many emotions and processes; that I could handle because that is what I am very used to. Oh what I would give for the old triggered, over reaction emotions, followed immediately by process and then clearing. That is familiar to me.
But this …

This has been a whole other ball of wax! Where I have been these last weeks is a place I have never been before …. INDIFFERENCE.

I am connected. I am working.  I am present. I am in my relationships BUT through all of it, there is this wonderful distance that allows me a whole new perspective. That part has been great. But that then has led me to a place of non-involvement,
a place of indifference that is so uncomfortable. This place is absent of ambition, drive, and necessity. This place has an emptiness to it that brought back to my mind words that I heard from Tolle’s teaching: I do not know who I am, I have lost myself.

Of course, now that I have been in this for a few weeks and have had some direction from a friend and teacher, I can see that this loss of identity is in fact, the beginning of a loss of ego. But the discomfort, I keep wondering when “I” am going to come back. I am not myself. But who am I now?

Who would have thought how much my ego gives to me.  I did not anticipate what “letting go of ego” would produce. Now, please, I am not so arrogant as to state in print that I have no ego – again words from Tolle – if I said that I would be “in ego”. But, this feeling of loosing identity is uncomfortable. It is the first time that I have experienced “suffering”.

For me suffering is a very different state from emotional processing. In this suffering there is a lot of emptiness, a lot of loneliness, and very, very few words; hence, no blogging.

Still even as I struggle to write this, I am finding that the meaning of things is gone and so unexplainable. I call it suffering because it is not an emotional place for me; emotions I love. I call it suffering because there is such an absence of the drama my emotional journeys usually take. It is what it is and it is so empty of everything.

Truly, where I am now, is quite simply all that there is. I work and can feel the energies wonderfully, but I cannot feel personal satisfaction in the work. It is like the energy I am drawing in for the clients is joyous, fulfilling in the moment, but afterwards I have no attachment to what I have just experienced. It is like I am no longer taking it all in to be “me”, it is the energy, it is them and their need fulfilled from the Source through me, but me – my role, my part, my …. The ownership of it all if absent. It is intriguing and would be ever so interesting if it did not result in such suffering in me.

The other interesting reaction within me is that I am spending a lot of time in watching fantasy movies. I want to watch life in other worlds – Avatar, Star Trek etc. As I watch it all, the distance I have from everything, has caused me to question what is real anyway? Is any of it real? I feel like I have just taken the blue pill in "The Matrix" and wow! As that movie says, “I am sorry, we never usually waken a mind at your age” – the older you are the harder it is to handle waking up from the dream.

Now, I feel like I sound crazy. I don’t feel crazy. I feel empty, distant and curious but not crazy.

So, I will stop here. The view from my world now is full of questions, asked from a distance. It is leading me somewhere, to a different view of my world. But in the meantime, I am blind, roaming and wordless. So forgive the fewer blogs. The view from my world has changed so much, I am still exploring and without words to share what I am finding.  I will continue to “try” to share but… time will tell where this leads.