Empty?

I am empty today. Is this another learning experience? Could be, but it seems so much more than that. There has been a death in our family. My husband’s Aunt has died, not unexpectedly, but it has left a vacancy in our family, nevertheless. So why am “I” empty?

I am finding this difficult and yet ever so interesting. I hope this does not sound heartless, because I am certainly not that! But, with all that I have come to know and believe, I find the loss of this person from my life, so very interesting.  On the one hand, I “want” to feel loss, sorrow and maybe even some abandonment. In fact, this began with my realization that I did not feel any of those things and
“what did that mean?” Afterall, that is what I felt with the other losses in my life. I have been through this before, for I have lost both my parents and my grandparents, many of my aunts and uncles.  Why sometimes I think there is more of my family dead than alive. However, this time it is different.

At first, I went where I expected I would go – backwards, to the past. I remembered the loss of both of my parents and I remember how lost I felt at the time. I even remembered how the world kept right on going, nothing stopped just because my father had died. At the time that infuriated me. I wanted to shout to the world “stop, don’t you know my dad has died?!” But nothing stopped, nothing even hesitated for a bit, the world just kept right on going, moving and shaking, and so, so did I.

That same feeling returned to me with the death of this Aunt. But this time, older and wiser I guess, I saw it differently. This time I saw that the world kept “moving and shaking” because nothing had really happened.  Now, don’t judge me, hear me out.

With my new ideas and recent work with Renard's book and the Course in Miracles, I simply had to see that our Aunt was not “dead”. She had moved on, passed over, and changed scenes in the movie of her life. True we had been left out of the next scenes of her life, or had we? Was it possible that we were all together in another reality somewhere? But then, if that were true, why was I feeling “empty” here?

I awoke this morning truly feeling empty but that emptiness was almost indescribable. I think that is why I am writing this, to try and describe it.  This emptiness has a “fruitlessness” in it; it has despair in it; perhaps an awareness that there is no point in trying because ultimately, death in life truly is, uncontrollable.  Is that a revelation – NO.?

I know that it sounds like I am stating the obvious but somehow; it is not just a statement this time. It is more than that. It is truly a feeling, an acceptance deep down inside of me of what is TRULY uncontrollable.

I have never really felt the uncontrollable ness of my life before. Which is odd seeing as I have suffered so much loss in my life, you would think … But somehow, all the Holy Spirit intervention, asking for forgiveness and the other entire Course in Miracles philosophies seem to be taking root within me now?

The result is empty; empty of sorrow, no feelings of being left behind, but true feelings of just how much is out of my control. – All in a very good way.

So, why would I write this to you? I write because I would like to share this “step” in our journey to acceptance and surrender. This is a new feeling – this uncontrollable ness which is, I think, truly what the feeling of acceptance and surrender feels like, at a deep and guttural level.

Perhaps my sharing can cause You to reflect and stay with what is uncontrollable in Your life. As I am doing now, may You also find the strength or maybe it is courage, to see what we are accepting and surrendering to, instead of seeing what cannot be controlled.  Let us see what we are gaining instead of what we are loosing. Perhaps this is the true way of perceiving the death or loss of someone from our lives – through the pure, deep, guttural feeling of accepting what must be and surrendering to what cannot be any other way.

Hope this helps others see their losses in another way. For I know one thing for sure –
The view from here has changed immensely.