Reality Versus Fiction Continues

Continuing in the ideas of my last blog (see Feb. 21st), I had another collision between my reality and the realities of others, this morning.  Having had family around due to the death of our Aunt has brought other minds and ideas into my home. These ideas have not been part of my thinking in many years.  But interestingly, just like with the book I was reading the other day, they seemed to make their way “inside” and disturb me. 

Now I was not in any form of attack. Our family is more accepting than most. It was more my listening and “taking in” what was being discussed.

I live in a world of sharing, kindness, complete trust and no worry for where the “next buck” will come from.  As my family gathered around us, I began to perceive what that “looked” like from the outside looking in.
I awoke this morning, family all gone and only myself again for my company, and my thoughts felt disturbed. As I sat with my cup of hot water and lemon in hand, Course in Miracles in my lap, I paused and allowed the disturbed feelings to come more forward. What was it that I was feeling?

As I observed the feelings, I could then identify that I felt as if I had failed. As if the measurement of my personal success was faulty, more than that “stupid” and “useless”. And, remarkably quickly, those failure feelings grew intensely so that I lost observation status of them. Just as when I was reading my book of fiction the other day and the characters and their strife slowly began to take over my thoughts and emotions, so did this failure idea. Why had I made the choices that I had? How could I think these choices were good? What did I have to show for them, now?

I tried to pull up, away from it, but with no avail.  I could feel the fear and the failure growing and feeding on each other.  What did I do? I prayed, asked Creator and Holy Spirit for help. Then, followed impulse, and picked up the Course in Miracles in my lap and began to read. At first the words made no sense to me. In fact, I felt like I could not even understand what I was reading. Interesting eh? But I kept reading and even read out loud. It only took a few paragraphs and then I was reading words that answered exactly what I was feeling. The “help” I had asked for mere second ago, arrived.

“That is why you must choose to hear one of two voices within you. One you made yourself and that one is not of God. But the other is given you by God, Who asks you only to listen to it.”(Course in Miracles, pg. 75,  II. The Voice for God, Verse 3, Line 4)

Now for me, this made perfect sense and I began to not only understand what I was reading, but make sense of it and apply to where I was inside with my emotions.  The first thing I recognized was that what I was feeling was not “emotion” but “judgment”; judgment against myself, judging my life and my choices as foolish failures. Those are not thoughts, I realized, those are not even feelings – those are pure judgment!

The result, I finished reading that section and then got up and got into action in my life. One of those actions was to write this blog. I write about this because I want to share the “journey” I am going through to being the person I am. Why? Because people often ask about “how” I am “who” I am. Well, friends, I do make it look far easier than it actually is. But that being said, when I invite help in from the Creator, and not just follow the spiral of emotional judgment downwards, I find my way back up quickly. Why quickly? Because, as the Course in Miracles teaches, I don’t try to do it for myself – I immediately ask for help. It is only the ego self that tries to “fix” it all by itself.

So, this Blog is my attempt to what – journal – my way to “ME”.   This is how I do it. And as I “do” it, I recognize what I am feeling, ask for help, follow impulse and then arrive at a different place – the view of my life changes – wonderfully quickly – and this view, the one of safe certainty, I love! And once again the view from here is restored and yet changed again!